just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Dicks are not precious.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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