She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Alive.
So much puke
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
