final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I still have a little drunk in my system
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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