Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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