Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
