Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
