He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
