Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
