If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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