last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
