I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
