do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
