Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
