Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
