I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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