You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
