im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
