I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
