things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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