My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
