Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
