While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize