you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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