I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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