is your mom at the bar?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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