You just made me feel so damn special
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
