I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I think I died a long time ago.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
