I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
