Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
did you just send me my own nude
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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