Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
