I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
