And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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