I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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