He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
