A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
