You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
