ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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