HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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