you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize