I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
