I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So vagazzling was a success
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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