Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize