Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
