Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
