So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
