so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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