She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
