the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
