I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
