I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
