i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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