He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
being pregnant is like rehab
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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