The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
