PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
