I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
