Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
