Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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