Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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