Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
