I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
