I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
