I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
