How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
