Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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