im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
