When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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