Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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