Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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