Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
not ubering you a puppy
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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