I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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