So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
