He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize