I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
